The Memories of a Romantic

(Written by me 2 years ago)

After a "conversation" I had with my ex husband last night, I've came to a conclusion. Other than being thankful we are divorced and his inane babble only has to be heard by me on rare occassions and I always have the option to hang up; Republicans, for the most part, are heartless swine. They go through their entire lives reading statistics and resting completely on logic and reason (or their version of). Much like drones, they are incapable of accepting the views of others no matter how much "sense" they make. I recall a group of people who accepted the actions of their leader no matter how inhumane it was: I think they were called Nazis.

He also informed me that the way I'm raising Morrigan will cause her to become a victim in every definition of the word. I suppose feeding her soul and her heart will lead her to tragedy. But what splendid tragedy that could be! She will live not exist. She will love wholeheartedly. She will feel what I cannot and harbor compassion for all of mankind. What a beautiful creature she is. So different from him. He's cold and uncaring and reflects nothing but his own angst and bigotry. He changes who he is depending on who he is fixated with at the time. That is the true tragedy. Not knowing who you are... I can't imagine that fate. Aren't we all destined for tragedy in some form or another? My tragedy is that I forgive too often and forget more often still. I don't understand the uncaring nature of man or it's selfish acts. I want to live my own story.
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Last night, Morrigan and I danced in my basement to the soundtrack of moulin rouge. She started laughing so hard she fell in the floor and kept giggling. We danced and sang for almost an hour and a half, loudly and not caring for anyone who heard us. For that period of time, I could recall what being a child was like. To live completely in the moment. To love, laugh, sing and dance. That's elation I couldn't create on my own. She is my reminder that all of the anger, mistrust, and injustice in the world is not that important. In that moment, we were the only two people who existed...us and the music.

She stood in front of the full length mirror that stands in my living room and said,"Momma, I'm beautiful. I have brown hair and brown eyes and so do you. My friend Alicia has brown skin, she's beautiful too. Everyone is a different color, aren't they? Alicia looks like her mommy too."

This statement from her shocked me although I'm not sure why. So simply put and so honest. I told her,"Everyone is different, Morrigan. Even you and I. That's what makes us who we are. There is no normal, you should never want to be anyone but who you are. Everyone is amazing in their own right and we all have our part in the world."
She just looked at me and smiled and then said,"Yeah, I thought so. Mommy, are you happy?" and I said, "You make me happy." and she responds with, "No, I know I make you happy but when I'm not here, what makes you happy?" I said, "The idea that there is beauty in the world that will find me one day." again she smiled and said,
"Do you want to be in love?"
I didn't know what to say, amazing how a 4 year old child can ask the most abrasive questions in the most well meaning way.
"I don't think I'm cut out to be in love, Morrigan"
She frowned at me and said,
"Like the phantom?"
Again, stunned completely
"What do you mean?"
She looked back in the mirror and covered half of her face with her hand and simply said,
"He loved Christine, didn't he? But she didn't love him. There was something wrong with his face and he could be mean and she didn't understand why. His face wasn't so bad, mommy. Someone could have loved him and thought he was beautiful."
I was amazed by this, and at a loss for words. She noticed I didn't say anything about it and looked at me and said,
"It's alright mommy, sometimes you have to know what to see."