Pandora's Locker Slammed Open

I'm guilty. Guilty of using my friends. Guilty of neglecting my family. Guilty of doing the least amount of work possible. Guilty of squandering my time. Guilty of resenting those who were merely being themselves. Guilty of thinking I'm a significant person. Guilty of expecting too much from everyone. Guilty of not taking the time to understand those close to me. Guilty of apathy. Guilty of overestimating my abilities. Guilty of wanting others to bow to my whim. Guilty of not giving anything of myself. Guilty of expecting the worst from every situation. Guilty of seeing only the negative aspect of human nature and its inability to function without personal gain. Guilty of not seeing the proverbial rainbow for the storm. Guilty of living inside of my head. Guilty of not wanting to commit to anything for fear of making the wrong decision. Guilty of envy. Guilty of resenting the fact that there are things I will never obtain. Guilty of narcissism and self loathing within moments of one another. Guilty of not understanding who I am. Guilty of the inability to love unconditionally.

The unfortunate aspect of love is that there are always conditions, we are just normally not privy to them beforehand. The basis of love isn't tolerance, it's ignorance. The ignorance of the flaws within another person. Most of us can avoid said flaws by focusing on the strong points of that person. Then there are the small percentage who not only focus on them, but dwell. That personal stigmata can become our undoing. What is it we are afraid of? Realizing that the quirks found in others outweigh our own skeletons? Or that they too suffer the same ill fate we were sentenced to? Our only certainty is death. No matter the lining, a pine box holds no comfort. Why is it impossible for some of us to merely cover our eyes and jump? Is it the landing we fear or the fall itself? A sweeping feeling of helplessness and inability to control the outcome midair. No matter how you twist your body to brace for the fall you cannot possibly predict how badly it will hurt, only pray that it won't be the last time you leap. I have felt love, unconditional love, only once in my life. Albeit the life mentioned consists of a mere 26 years, it has been an enlightening journey. Filled to the brim with hypocrisy and disappointment. It's amazing how complete you are when you love blindly. No one could fathom how it effects another person. To know that the full circle ends and begins with you and they are your center. The grail by which all others are compared. Even when patience is lost you feel instant shame and regret. Nothing has humbled me so much. Every year that passes, the glass becomes more clear and I can see what is to pass. Her love has breached the fort and allowed others easy access. My barriers are worn and shift with each day. Sadly enough I know that our closeness now will falter over the years. I hear people say, "You're supposed to be her mother, not her friend. She doesn't need a friend." The real statement should be, "Who doesn't need a friend." I maintain the lines of parent/child relationships. She is allotted to speak her mind freely until she infringes on the rights or feelings of someone else. She has personal choices and those freedoms allow her to see cause and effect. Dictating the actions of your child cripples them. You cannot look at a mound of clay and declare, "Be a bowl!" Shouldn't your station as a mother consist of outlining proper conduct, molding them into someone with compassion, understanding, and tolerance? You are god to a child. The judge, jury and executioner. I've felt the icy glare of an uncaring parent. It chills me to this day. We are not friends. I no longer seek her approval because I've realized long ago that it is impossible to obtain. Ever forcing your child to achieve no matter the cost merely forces them to look inward at themselves and question their ability rather than glare at the face of a dictator who bore you. It has a devastating effect. I appear cold and apathetic to a number of different people. This apathy is a product of the realization that your opinion, no matter how strong your conviction, has no meaning unless I give it significance.

I value the opinion of a handful of people and these people have earned their place in my life. I value Vinnie's opinion for his brash and realistic outlook. I value Rebekah's for its innocence and caring. I value Trey's for its insight and the human aspect. I value Brandy's because it allows me to see things through unjaded eyes. No matter how I try to make myself not speak to them, it's impossible. All of these people have flaws. And it's because of these flaws that I adore them. Rationality be damned.