Sometimes I Can't Even Stand Myself

Often, I feel as if there is something seriously wrong with me. Not a cold or anything else charmingly mundane- its something I don't understand and that lack of understanding manifests itself in horrible ways. I can't do stress. I know most people say that but I REALLY mean it; I lose my mind and regress back to infancy within 60 seconds. This can't be normal.

I know quite a few people who self-medicate for this same kind of problem but I, in my ignorant and naive idea of self-control, refuse to be medicated for anything because, well, there's nothing wrong with me- right?

I like to think that, ya know. I'm normal and everyone else is defective. Obviously I'm wrong... I think it's grown worse actually. I hate being around people and I have no want to socialize because I think most are crude and selfish. I have very few people who could be considered friends and I don't go out of my way to make new ones. Actually, I go out of my way to avoid new people.

I'm tired.

I find it funny that people tell you something and say, "No matter what". Well, that's just complete shit, isn't it? Really? No matter what? Are you sure? "I won't leave you, no matter what." Yeah, we'll see... won't we?

The Social Structure of the Modern Middle Class

So far I have yet to understand how society works. Is it normal to feel like an outsider in every social situation? I do try, mind you, but even when I adopt the artificial smile and mimic the slight nuances of meaningless conversation, it still fails. I don't know if I detest the artifice of the whole act so much that it distorts what should be pleasant into something mocking and monstrous or perhaps I'm just really bad at it. Who knows...

In spite of my obvious failures in this regard, I have learned the surface rules of our disturbing culture:

1- Even if you don't care, pretend to with as much faked enthusiasm as possible.

2- Be shallow. We're talking REALLY shallow. Don't worry about the more profound and worrisome aspects of life. You should only discuss who did what to whom and how shocked you are by it.

3- Belong to a social circle. This holds true for parents who live vicariously through their children via sports, dance, or any other activity your children participate in only to seek a second of your approval. In southern states, these circles typically exist in Churches and these people can be some of the most unpleasant folks you'd ever encounter.

4- Keep up appearances. I do mean "keep up"... at all costs!!! You must look a certain way, own certain things, and your family must be composed of specific types of personalities. Otherwise, you're doomed. If your children show signs of independence, free-thought, or a taste for the odd; you must rewire them immediately into hate-filled, elitist, automatons. (For their own good, of course.)


As silly and infantile as these rules may seem, they are, nevertheless, standard for every circle. I wish the rest of you luck in shaving off the tidbits of your personality that won't fit nicely into said mold- I know that I've failed at it completely.

Beware! Self-Aware!

I've never considered myself old. I'm sure most feel the same way and then, one day, you wake up and joints pop and jar more than usual- a lot more than usual. You fumble around and finally make your way to the vanity mirror only to discover that the light you've always recognized is fizzling and your face seems a bit more plain. What a horrid feeling. You panic.

Am I really that person? The old maid who keeps too much to herself and who is, no doubt, too much or too little to love? Is there really a perfect mixture? I constantly wonder as to if there really is something off about me. Do I ask too much? Require too much? Do I really hold people to such high standards that they break their ignoble necks when they finally fall from the astronomically high pedestal I have placed them on? Surely not! Not I!!

I have given multiple soap-box speeches against the institution of marriage but why do I give them? I actually think I give them to hide something. I'm drowning my self-doubt with a simple face-saving technique; if you can't join them, beat them! Not that I'm not grateful that my past relationships ended, because I am- believe me. I do, however, wonder what other people have that I don't. Since no one has offered me logical reasons, I do exactly what a reasonable person shouldn't do; I make them up. I wonder why no man secretly plans and purchases an engagement ring for me... Well, there is no real wonder there; I can be a perfect nightmare of a creature sometimes- but who isn't?